Life

 

I walked out into the backyard carrying an ipod, one cigarette, and a lighter.

There's a giant grapefruit tree, lush and beautiful.

I climbed it, rested on lonesome branch, and lit my cigarette.

Surrounded by full grown grapefruits and leaves, I smoked and listened to the song 'Inside Us All' by Creed. 

I haven't done that since I was twelve. Memories enveloped me. I was lost in that moment. I wish I could describe it. It was one in a million.

 

Hello, weightloss. It's been a while and I've missed you more than a sane person should.

Goodbye, sex drive. You won't be missed.

Today I am alive.

I feel less like an animal, less like a monster, more like a human.

I am still grotesque, unworthy, sinful... but a little more in control.

Let me savor it.

It's 11:11.

I don't feel.

This week has been a blur of... I don't know. This is hard to write.

I hate myself, more than anyone could imagine. I disgust myself. I repulse myself. 

Until today, I couldn't shower for days because I couldn't bare to see my naked body.
I showered today, and cried. 

I went to the grocery store this evening with my mother. I told her I was sneaking away to get her Mother's Day card, when I was actually going to steal laxatives.

Please kill me.